Tag Archives: Miley

SOMEBODY GET MILEY A PLAN B

27 Aug

And by Plan B I mean both an alternative career, and the emergency contraceptive. But before we begin I’d actually like to thank the girl for her performance at Sunday’s VMAs. Its a satisfying day for me when everybody I know wants to engage in judgmental banter against a common foe.  Without further ado…

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Well. Miley is obviously a pathetic person for believing that a stunt of this ridiculous extent would gain her stature in front of her colleagues and fans. Because aside from the flagrant vulgarity and utter lack of taste, there wasn’t a concept for this performance within a country mile of Miley’s crotch. I’m gonna call it teddy bear date rape and a solid 6 minutes of injecting cocaine into my eyes. It’s horrifying that this was able to transpire… that someone paid to construct a teddy bear large enough to birth Miley, that an enormous woman’s ass was slapped harder than a bag of Franzia, that Miley got to second base with herself, that she touched Robin Thicke at ALL seeing as though he is 36 and she is 20.

Do we think of you as Hannah Montana anymore? Well, no, we don’t. But we DO think of you as a person who might somehow give us chlamydia via our ear buds. It’s a valid enough fear that I literally have to remove “We Can’t Stop” from my ‘Straight Jams’ playlist. FML.

Robin Thicke, don’t think I don’t judge you as well. Have some decency dude… this girl’s not even old enough to buy beer. Its all sorts of wrong that the only thing between her and your manhood was a foam finger. I used to get you confused with Michael Buble… in fact I was planning an upcoming post discussing who between the two of you is a more pretentious crooner. But that verdict is now signed, sealed, delivered. I don’t know how you sleep next to your wife at night.

And let’s just compare Miley’s performance for a moment to Justin Timberlake’s, which was so transcendent that it basically changed the direction of our orbit around the sun. Without lifting a foam finger.

MILEY BLEACHED AND SHAVED

7 Sep

Well I didn’t even blink before deciding to blog this. Miley Cyrus shows up to the VMA’s last night with THIS hair. While I’m probably never going to be a fan of absurdly platinum mohawks on girls, that’s beside the point. The point is that no Disney-built girl is ever going to be bad-ass enough to have hair like this. Why do all famous people feel it necessary to prove that they are different than how they are publicly perceived? If I had made 10 gazillion dollars and lived out my tween fantasy by being Hannah Montana, I’d be like yeah bitches that’s me!! And I would wake up thankful everyday, that by some STROKE OF LUCK the combo of having Billy Ray as a Dad, being marginally talented, and embracing glitter as a young age… had made me famous. I wouldn’t cover myself with tats and nose piercings, take nude photos, get engaged before I could even buy beer, and then finally do the most wild thing I could think of to my hair… just so people would stop associating me with Hannah Montana. Because again, what is so wrong with having been Hannah Montana. It gave you millions of dollars. It gave me my best ever Halloween costume. You are only 19. If you always need this much attention to feel like you’re “cool”, you are going to run out of hair-do’s real fast. Also good luck looking classy at your wedding with a mohawk.