Tag Archives: justin bieber

DEAR JUSTIN BIEBER, IT’S NOT THAT HARD

31 Jan

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The next time you’re tempted to throw eggs at a neighbor, or drag race drunk, or assault a limo driver– just don’t. Need I remind you that you are, in fact, a diminutive Canadian boy made famous only by some mentorship free trial Usher performed before knowing working on “The Voice” would later be an option. The most gangster tattoo you could come up with for your forearm was an OWL.The Lamborghini you were drag racing in was RENTED. And after earning over 100,000 signatures, the White House is now formally addressing the nation’s request that you be deported to Canada. And to think, all you had to do to avoid this outcome was star in a Proactiv ad and keep the drug use to your Mom’s basement.

JUSTIN BIEBER OVERCOMPENSATING FOR BEING SMALL

10 Feb

The time for Justin to have a growth spurt is really running out. Most people have their first age crisis at 30, but Justin has to be panicing as he turns 19 next month. I sympathize, really I do. People fell in love with the baby face, but now he has no progress to offer them. It’s like adopting a puppy. Its so adorable and you cherish those first couple months, but really you can’t wait for it to grow up and be a little more mature. Justin seems to know this, but is very delusional on corrective measures to take. With that, I give you the chronicles of his futile attempts towards machoism:

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Come on dude. There has been only one person in all of time who could pull off these pants, and he wasn’t a 5′ 7″ inch Canadian.

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Leather can make a person look like a BAMF. Beyonce, for instance, at the Super Bowl last weekend. FIERCE. But Justin’s renditions are so pathetic, like this pleather armed longsleeve. Add in the attempt of ghetto bling with the gold chains and watch, and the whole thing becomes a costume. Also Justin is the only man I’ve ever seen not look hot in Ray-Ban’s.

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A tattoo… of an OWL? Lock up your daughters America, this boy is bad to the bone.

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And lastly, this self-indulgent ab shot on SNL last night. It’s just impossible to be impressed by this when the rest of him is so dainty. Seeing this also makes me feel borderline pedophiliac.