JENNIFER ANISTON A SPOKESPERSON FOR EVERYTHING GDAMMIT

2 Jun

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Ask me what Jennifer Aniston has acted in within the past 5 years and I’d be hard pressed to find you an answer. I think there was some dumb shit of a movie with Adam Sandler, but I really don’t know. So aside from her legendary performance on ‘Friends’, what I’m going to most remember Jennifer for is her shameless agreement to endorse every product ever.

When she started with Aveeno I was like Jen, lame. Not a blog-worthy offense, but definitely lame. Reason 1 being that even if she never worked ever again, ‘Friends’ will be in syndication until at least 2045, and she’ll never want for anything in her life. So aligning herself with a soybean moisturizer just seems like a pointless thing to do. Especially since its not as IF she actually uses this shit herself. I mean I’d wager that Jen only uses imported Icelandic sea kelp cream, not this lotion that is somewhere between an oatmeal bath and a field of legumes. Also in her commercials for this product the premise is literally her turning down other beauty brands, in favor of endorsing Aveeno Watch here How can your commercial be entirely about getting the actress to be in your commercial?

ANYHOW we have another 2 products to cover here, so, let’s keep ranting. Next up: SmartWater. Same comments about how unnecessary this paycheck is for Jen apply. Except I hate this even more because like who even has the right to represent water. Its WATER. Albiet sexy water, but still, WATER. And they really dug deep here conceptually as to why Jen was a relevant ambassador… what with her laying naked wrapped in a pure white sheet and clutching a bottle of SmartWater whilst gazing absent-mindedly into the distance. And then the headlines say things like “My Secret Revealed”… as if we are to believe Jen really looks the way she does because of some overpriced water. I’ll tell you why she looks like she does: fucking AWESOME genes, and then a life whose entire agenda consists of yogalates, stylist appointments, and kale.

And last but certainly not least, Jennifer’s latest endorsement: Living proof. Which is… some hair shit? Shampoo I think. Who cares, Jennifer is “Living proof.” that it works. No need to even capitalize the second word in the brand name. No, all we need is to see Jen’s face and the top 30% of the bottle.

Conclusion: all of this is dumb. Go be with Ross. The end.

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