22 May




Jaden and Willow Smith’s entire lives are like a Twitter feed I can’t turn off. Why does anyone give a shit about them? Because I struggle to find the cultural value of Will and Jada Pinkett, let alone their spin-off children. Its already on the creepy side to name your kids very similarly to your own name, but the Smith’s have elevated this to another level by also swapping genders. Dad Will > daughter Willow and Mom Jada > son Jaden. Of course its also infuriating to me that any hobby these kids casually possess is blown out into a full business. I learned on Jimmy Fallon last night that Jaden opened a clothing line with his friends, literally to produce “drop crotch pants”. “None of the clothes out there fit us,” Jaden reported. A few minutes later, he was invited to rap with Fallon’s band. And entire chunks of my soul burst into FLAME at this indulgence of his adolescent interests. I mean I loved hair barrettes and playing violin when I was his age, but my parents didn’t fund entire corporations to further my hobbies. Also, don’t think I forgot about WILLOW. She is 12 and apparently already incapable of taking a modest photograph. When I see her I just pray that it won’t prompt “Whip My Hair” to become stuck in my head. But it does, every time. Lastly, these two seem to like each other on a level that surpasses brother sister. I’m reminded of Angelina Jolie and her brother, whom kiss full on the mouth. So. GET OFF THE STAGE SMITH KIDS [drop the mic]



  1. Tom July 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    Yeah, the Jaden kid can’t act either. He’s the black Richard Gere – 1 expression trying to look intense or sad by squinting.

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