25 Feb

I was made very uncomfortable at the beginning of the red carpet by the seemingly well-frocked actresses. Then these women showed up. Thanks life!

???????????????????????????Zoe Saldana: There are concepts for a half dozen dresses here. A flowered top. A giant belt that is also a bow AND covered in glitter. A slit that also has not one, but three different shades of gray fabric underneath. Drop earrings and a ring on each finger. Then in a final what the hell touch, black patent leather slides. Perhaps she was trying to compensate for not having best accessory, Bradley Cooper, on her arm…

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Melissa McCarthy: Alright now nobody roll their eyes and call me a hater for picking on this plus size lady. This gray dress is a swaddling nightmare and it would have looked awful on anyone. I suspect this dress was made from a Twin XL jersey sheet set. And I love how the designer thought 3 placements of sequins would excuse that fact. Also the hair… excuse me? Calm. that. shit. down.


Kelly Osbourne: GAHH I’m annoyed with myself for including her in this post and acting like she’s a person of worth. I JUST HATE HER PURPLE HAIR SO MUCH. It was a marginally cool idea for like a few weeks. But now we apparently have to look at it FOREVER? It absolutely clashes with everything, in this case her lipstick. Her arm tats are also most unglamorous. And the straps of this dress’s neckline were chaos.

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Last night was the night I decided that I hated Catherine ZJ. Honey, I’m sorry you decided to marry Michael Douglas. But showing up in this LOOK AT ME gold dress and begging us to tell you how fabulous you are is not the answer.


Anne Hathaway: I guess in the whole scheme of things this isn’t blindingly awful. But its not really in my nature to pardon nipple points and a prom neckline. What bothered me most of all was actually the awkward-lengthed necklace. It overlapped in the front, it overlapped in the back, I hated it. Also, everyone with breath in their lungs knew Anne was going to win last night. Was this really the very best dress she could muster?

And finally…


Jennifer Lawrence: SIGH. J Law whatchu doin gurlllllll. She hated this dress as much as we did. Looked so awkward in it all night long. The WORST neckline. Why is it roundish? I feel like we were an inch away from a nipple flash… yet at the same time their wasn’t any cleavage.  And then pounds and pounds of Baptism gowns sewn together into this one massive cloud. It was just a…




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