24 Sep

How these ladies can have every wealth of the fashion industry laid at their feet, and yet turn up looking like THIS, is baffling. I mean all these people have professional stylists, who do nothing but plan this one outfit, all year. The winning formula is: sweeping frock + cash money jewels + classic hair and makeup. Those who defy my formula are mocked below…

January Jones: You are gorg, yet work so hard to look absurd. This dress is like a roll of gothic Christmas ribbon gone awry. And your hair is now the diarrhea color that only results from box-dying it 5 times in rapid succession.

Connie Britton: Whaaaaaaat? You are usually FAB. I’ve never before printed out a picture of a woman 20 years my senior and asked my hairdresser to mimic it. So imagine my dismay to find you pinning up your hair in thick ropes like octopus tentacles. And wearing this most unforgiving silver dress that makes your chest look so chicken-bone-creepy.

Ashley Judd: F bombs. Are you hiding a ciabatta roll in your hair?

Glenn Close: Did you know how offensive this dress was? Because you arrived having already slashed it thoroughly. Its either a mummy costume, or colonies of fish eggs, or a petri dish culture.


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