HOPE SOLO NAUSEATES ME

5 Sep

Dear Hope,
How dare you think for one measly second that your life is anything less than ideal. You believe that being goalkeeper for the US Women’s Soccer Team is ‘a thankless position’. Well shit, I’m sorry I haven’t been penning you fan mail. Must be because me and the rest of this nation spend our lives baking in front of computer monitors, hotly anticipating 15 minutes lunch jaunts to Subway. And you want us to feel sorry, for YOU, as you travel the globe and jump around in front of a net. Listen, being an olympian is of course very admirable. But when you lead the US team to win gold, we all DID thank you, so much! And a few weeks of that kind of praise and congratulations is more than any of the rest of us will get in our whole lives. So stop waiting for rainbows and butterflies… they aren’t coming. What likely is? A lifetime of playing on a grass field.
xoxo
Hannah

P.S. I’m never reading your memoir, because it is named… ‘A Memoir of Hope: SOLO’.
P.P.S. Stop being so vain. You aren’t that pretty, and your eyebrows scare me.

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