24 Jul

Emily Maynard and her boys are no longer gracing us with their presence Monday evenings. I would be more upset, if not for the knowledge that ABC spins this shit out like Rumpelstiltskin spins straw into gold… f*cking nuts but it just keeps happening. Covering every ugly thing that happened this season would be impossible. But here I will aim to quickly euthanize the most offensive:

Smooshed fake boobs. Add a decade or two of chain smoking and you’ve got a Floridian Cougar out at a way-young-for-me-but-I’m-too-in-denial-to-care club. Oh wait, that’s Emily’s mom I’m thinking of…

I mean F you can’t even buy clothes like this at normal stores. Tip: if the girls who work at the store still wear braces, maybe you should shop somewhere else

BROOM HAIR. No one’s hair is perfectly blunt and all one length when is a ponytail. And are you wearing a wife beater with a floor length sequined skirt?! Its like gym class on top and a Bat Mitzvah on the bottom

There is a reason why, in my lifetime, I’ve never heard anyone utter ‘Wow, great jumpsuit’

Ricky. Go ahead and hate me, but that is not a cute child. A 7 year old with a forehead that big and she still thinks dragons are real… just saying. Hope Jef keeps raking in the dough with his bottled water company, because Ricky is going to need the full enchilada of plastic surgery, just like Mom.

John’s style is like where clothes from J.Crew go to die. Light blue pants, light pink button down, with gray and red(?!) half zip over top

I know its like the only thing to say about Jef, but his hair LOOKS LIKE THIS

Ryan has FANGS carved into his beard, and his entire being is like 100 proof narcissism

Chris. On paper its all there… good body, sexy stubble, clear blue eyes. So why when you put it all together does he look like this? I honestly don’t know what the main problem. Might be because I can’t stand looking at him for prolonged periods of time

And finally, we wait all season long for this final rose, and you have Emily hand it out HERE?! No ocean scape in the background?! She is on like a ghetto ass tropical street that they tried to make charming with colorful shutters and some clay pots

I hope this post is not longer than Emily and Jef’s engagement will last…


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