ONE WORD TV SHOWS & THE FULFILLMENT THEY BESTOW UPON MY LIFE

30 Jul

Let’s begin with a communal eye roll at the list of one word TV shows I have first thought about watching, then DVRed and vowed only to watch in a moment of dire boredom, then instead watched promptly and promoted to series record and consumed with devotion that should really only be reserved for much holier entities.

REVENGE

20131028231627!Revenge-Promo-Poster-Season-One-ABC So there was this reasonless time when I didn’t watch Revenge. The branding which included a skirt made of thorns and a g that was randomly red felt like a transgression I couldn’t ignore. But for the first time on this blog I will say there are things more important to something’s value than design. In this case those things are beautiful people with secret identities, and complete and utter disregard for appropriateness.

SCANDAL

scandal-embed1 OMG guys. Scandal is EVERYTHING. Just knowing that if I ever F up really hard Olivia Pope could fix it helps me sleep at night. Because while Olivia may spend her days cleaning up murders and often inadvertently conducting foreign policy via her bedroom escapades with the President, its humbling to watch her end each night with a bottle of red wine and a bowl of popcorn. It makes it obvious this is a realistic television show.

DECEPTION

tumblr_inline_mmjvuulnsN1qz4rgp Notice a trend with the names? You don’t mind. I don’t either. This one had JIMMY COOPER from the O.C. in it, so I felt like that was basically a free pass for the whole series. Like uh yeah, of course I watch Deception… Marissa Cooper’s drunk screwup of a father with a HEART OF GOLD is in it. This baby got cancelled pretty fast out of the gate however. I guess folks just didn’t quite grasp the vampire face in the lower third of the poster. Or could have been an issue with the plot. I think I watched 5-6 episodes? Couldn’t tell you a thing about the show. Other than that Jimmy Cooper was in it.

BETRAYAL

Betrayal-poster Let’s all really stop worrying about the formulaic trend the show names are presenting. Think of them as chapters of a very dense, very profound novel. The novel is called #2014. And its only available through television, since I gave up on reading books a long time ago (with the exception of teen series, obviously). I actually haven’t watched Betrayal yet. But I think that’s only because I was already recording two other shows during the slot it was on. NETFLIX BITCHEZZZ

SATISFACTION

satisfaction And finally, Satisfaction. I just watched the pilot and was inspired enough to write this post. Its just heartening to know that we won’t ever really run out of these shows. If there is a one word emotion-laden entity and a couple of gorgeous actors to be had, I’ll know what I’m doing this Wednesday night.

OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONIES: UGLIEST DRESSED

8 Feb

When the Olympic opening ceremonies roll around, I know two things are guaranteed: 1) I’ll learn the existence of at least 5 random countries 2) I’ll see outfits in an outrageous and futile quest for glory, if not on the medals podium than at least in this parade of nations.

This year in Sochi was no disappointment to either expectation so LET’S BEGIN.

THEME 1: Inventing new colors for your country

AUSTRALIA
AustraliaThis has bothered me for a while. Australia, you’re probably right that yellow and green are more reflective of your land and people than are navy and red. But a nation and its flag is the most fundamental establishment of branding. If you can’t get behind your flag, what can you get behind? I’d accept the introduction of a non-flag accent color to modernize things… say keep the navy but add in yellow. But I don’t buy a dual identity, and I don’t think a country is entitled to a flag redo.

NETHERLANDS
NetherlandsGuilty of the same crimes. Listen, I’m sorry red white and blue are such popular flag colors. But maybe you should have done a better job owning that shit. America was dealt the exact same cards, and you don’t see us wavering in our color scheme.

THEME 2: Crayon design

LIECHTENSTEIN
LiechtensteinSo I can’t imagine Leichtenstein had Ralph Lauren knocking on their door asking to design their Olympic outfits. But still, let’s believe that every nation has at least one citizen who is able to design something better than a crayon scribble parka.  (BTW props to Leichtenstein for being a country I hadn’t previously known existed… Population 36,000, located between Switzerland and Austria)

THEME 3: Bad knitwear

SLOVAKIA
SlovakiaI think these jackets and pants are moderately fine. I might expect to buy them in March off the clearance rack at Sports Authority. But its as if the day before the ceremonies Slovakia worried they their team might look too intimidating in these stark ensembles, and they better soften them up with with some knit hats and mittens with little hearts on them. CREAM colored knitwear, atop the WHITE jackets.

MOLDOVA
MoldovaMOLDOVA IS HERE. Got it guys! Probably didn’t need to hold those scarves overhead. Especially since cylindrically entrapped ice queens already made each country’s entrance pretty apparent. I’m happy you’re competing in the games, they are a celebration the whole world should be invited to. But you’re only just barely a country I knew existed before these ceremonies. So forgive me for not Amazon Prime-ing one of your scarves to my doorstep.

THEME 4: Bad fur

KAZAKHSTAN
KazakhstanPrime prime example of my number 2 expectation of the opening ceremonies: a country in an outrageous and futile quest for the glory they won’t be receiving on the medals podium. They really went for it, I’ll give them that. Royally ornamented flag bearer boots, visually accosting jackets featuring a procession of tiny animals across the chest. And best of all light tan fur trim which appeared, at many angles, to be an unfortunate late 80s haircut.

RUSSIA
RussiaAnd in what feels like a proper blog post ending for these already well scrutinized games, let’s conclude with Russia. These velour knee length jackets were an aggressively Santa Claus way to go. I at least would have refrained from pairing them with velour red pants. But we’re quickly learning how much the Russians enjoy making their own destiny amidst the judgment of others. So all I can say is give Rudolph a pat for me!

AND GO USA!!!

DEAR JUSTIN BIEBER, IT’S NOT THAT HARD

31 Jan

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The next time you’re tempted to throw eggs at a neighbor, or drag race drunk, or assault a limo driver– just don’t. Need I remind you that you are, in fact, a diminutive Canadian boy made famous only by some mentorship free trial Usher performed before knowing working on “The Voice” would later be an option. The most gangster tattoo you could come up with for your forearm was an OWL.The Lamborghini you were drag racing in was RENTED. And after earning over 100,000 signatures, the White House is now formally addressing the nation’s request that you be deported to Canada. And to think, all you had to do to avoid this outcome was star in a Proactiv ad and keep the drug use to your Mom’s basement.

THE ART INSTITUTE ON HAVING THE SAME LOGO AS EUROPEAN WAX CENTER

20 Jan

Image Image

If I were the Art Institute, and I saw that womankind’s quest for alopecia had snagged my logo, I might write them a note like this:

Dear European Wax Center,

Hairless bikini lines can be an art form. And if the medium to achieve such smoothness is wax, we’re in full support. But therein concludes the similarities between our two establishments. So we are starkly opposed to see our logo in practical duplication for your own use.

Granted there is only so much equity that can be attributed to a red square. But our red square is a canvas and a representation of the boundaries that can be both met and defied by our institution. We even made an ad campaign to this effect.

What do you have to say of your own red square concept? Does it represent the square archetype of hairlessness women are forced to fit into in our culture? Or it is, as we suspect, the product of an underpaid designer’s dispassionate Google search for logos.

And finally if you’re going to copy us, exhibit even an ounce of artistry and change some aspect of the logo. Maybe the color, the text alignment, or the font style. Or at least do the classy thing and replace the U in your company name with a V, like we did.

Sincerely yet without admiration,
The Art Institute

SOMEBODY GET MILEY A PLAN B

27 Aug

And by Plan B I mean both an alternative career, and the emergency contraceptive. But before we begin I’d actually like to thank the girl for her performance at Sunday’s VMAs. Its a satisfying day for me when everybody I know wants to engage in judgmental banter against a common foe.  Without further ado…

miley-cyrus-2013-vma-tongue-out-1024x573anigif_enhanced-buzz-4786-1377481549-221377483237000-mileytonguebetter2013 MTV Video Music Awards - ShowCS46651666NEW-YORK-NY-AUG-2223063

Well. Miley is obviously a pathetic person for believing that a stunt of this ridiculous extent would gain her stature in front of her colleagues and fans. Because aside from the flagrant vulgarity and utter lack of taste, there wasn’t a concept for this performance within a country mile of Miley’s crotch. I’m gonna call it teddy bear date rape and a solid 6 minutes of injecting cocaine into my eyes. It’s horrifying that this was able to transpire… that someone paid to construct a teddy bear large enough to birth Miley, that an enormous woman’s ass was slapped harder than a bag of Franzia, that Miley got to second base with herself, that she touched Robin Thicke at ALL seeing as though he is 36 and she is 20.

Do we think of you as Hannah Montana anymore? Well, no, we don’t. But we DO think of you as a person who might somehow give us chlamydia via our ear buds. It’s a valid enough fear that I literally have to remove “We Can’t Stop” from my ‘Straight Jams’ playlist. FML.

Robin Thicke, don’t think I don’t judge you as well. Have some decency dude… this girl’s not even old enough to buy beer. Its all sorts of wrong that the only thing between her and your manhood was a foam finger. I used to get you confused with Michael Buble… in fact I was planning an upcoming post discussing who between the two of you is a more pretentious crooner. But that verdict is now signed, sealed, delivered. I don’t know how you sleep next to your wife at night.

And let’s just compare Miley’s performance for a moment to Justin Timberlake’s, which was so transcendent that it basically changed the direction of our orbit around the sun. Without lifting a foam finger.

JOHN MAYER IN A CASK OF DBAG JUICE

25 Aug

John-Mayer-Paradise-Valley-artwork-tbvjohn-mayer-cwboy-rockstar-circa-

Look at what has become of this man. Back in 2001 he made “Room for Squares” and it spoke to a generation. People would ask me my taste in music and I’d say “Oh you know, John Mayer and stuff” and they’d be like “Cool.” Because they also had listened to “Why Georgia” on loop until their CD scratched. But now he’s surmounted to this impossibly lame Bob Dylan wanna be, playing dress up in a Civil War reenactment trunk, and believing that things he say still carry even a modicum of resonance in the world. I can’t pretend that watching the Prancercise lady to the tune of his pathetic Taylor Swift rebuttal is of any interest to me (Watch the music video I’m talking about here.) Good luck with your life on the apparently quite chilly American prairie you’ve chosen to inhabit. Maybe you can hold Katy Perry’s lipgloss in your tiny leather satchel.

R.I.P. BEYONCE HAIR

11 Aug

1375967866000-beyonce-pixie

Beyonce-Instagram-2139477If any woman in the world is beautiful enough to pull off a pixie cut, its probably Beyonce. But that doesn’t mean I agree with her decision to chop off her long locks, ahem remove her weave. Maybe its personal bias from cutting my hair heinously short as a teen (may the internet NEVER reveal my first driver’s license picture). But if I’m gonna worship at the altar of this diva, I’m sure as hell gonna want to see her whip her hair. Or have an fro. Or those full head braids every white girl secretly wants. I just think something remarkable about Beyonce was her ability defy the norm that black women can’t have soft flowing tresses. Its also just a pretty butch move for someone who’s all about being sexy. And of course the pixie cut bears striking resemblance to Miley Cyrus’s new do, and that is wrong.